Addressing Underlying Factors and Emotional Needs in Children Engaging in Relational Aggression

Relational aggression can be subtle, insidious, and emotionally damaging, especially among children. From silent treatment and exclusion to rumor-spreading and manipulation, it often flies under the radar, yet its impact runs deep.

As mental health professionals, it's critical to understand not just the behaviors themselves, but the emotional roots that drive them. This blog post explores how addressing the underlying emotional needs in children engaging in relational aggression can foster healthier coping mechanisms and stronger social skills. You’ll learn why these behaviors emerge, how to respond with empathy and insight, and strategies you can bring into your clinical work.

Let’s unpack the "why" behind relational aggression, and explore practical, evidence-based tools to support healing.

What is relational aggression?

Relational aggression (or covert, or indirect aggression, relational or social bullying) refers to a form of covert, nonphysical aggression where the primary intent is to damage another person’s social relationships, emotional well-being, or sense of belonging. Unlike overt physical aggression, covert aggression often flies under the radar due to its subtle, socially manipulative nature.

Examples of indirect aggression include:

• Social exclusion (e.g., "You can't sit with us")

• Giving the silent treatment

• Gossiping or spreading rumors

• Withholding friendship or affection as a form of punishment

• Cyberbullying through texts, social media, or group chats

This type of aggression can be deeply harmful, especially because it directly attacks a child's core need for connection and inclusion. While anyone can engage in these behaviors, research by Crick and Grotpeter (1995)—pioneers in the field—found that covert aggression tends to be more common among girls, though it certainly affects boys as well.

Developmentally, indirect aggressionmay emerge as early as preschool, gaining complexity with age. It often intensifies during adolescence, when peer dynamics and social hierarchies become central to a child's identity and self-worth.

Understanding these behaviors is the first step to meaningful intervention. In the next sections, we’ll dive deeper into why relational bullying matters—and what you can do to help.

Why Covert Aggression Matters

Ignoring indirect aggression can lead to long-term consequences for both the aggressor and the victim. Children who consistently engage in these behaviors may be struggling with deeper emotional wounds.

Unaddressed covert aggression can contribute to:

• Chronic anxiety or depression

• Low self-esteem

• Poor academic performance

• Difficulties with peer and family relationships

• Risk of developing personality or conduct disorders

Understanding the motivations behind covert aggression is essential. These children are not "mean" by nature. Often, they are hurting, insecure, or lacking the tools to express emotions in healthy ways.

The Emotional Drivers of Relational Aggression

To intervene effectively, clinicians must go beyond the surface behaviors and explore the emotional underpinnings that fuel covert aggression. These behaviors are rarely arbitrary—they often reflect a child’s attempt to cope with complex internal struggles.

1. Insecurity and Low Self-Worth

At the heart of many relationally aggressive behaviors is a profound sense of insecurity. Children who struggle with low self-esteem may engage in exclusion, gossip, or manipulation in an attempt to bolster their own fragile sense of identity.

These behaviors can provide a fleeting sense of power or superiority—an emotional "quick fix" for underlying feelings of inadequacy. By diminishing someone else, the child temporarily feels elevated. However, this cycle often perpetuates shame and reinforces a negative self-image, creating a loop that’s difficult to escape without intervention.

2. Fear of Abandonment or Rejection

Another common root of social bullying is the fear of social rejection. Children may act preemptively, ostracizing others before they themselves can be excluded. This behavior can create the illusion of control in unpredictable social environments, especially when peer approval feels tenuous or conditional.

For some children, maintaining their social status becomes a survival strategy. They may perceive others as potential threats and respond with manipulation or social sabotage to protect their place in the group.

3. Emotional Dysregulation

Children who have not yet developed healthy emotion regulation skills may express difficult emotions, like jealousy, embarrassment, or betrayal, through relational harm. A child who feels slighted or overlooked might respond by spreading rumors, freezing someone out, or retaliating via group dynamics.

Covert aggression can feel more "acceptable" than overt physical aggression, particularly in environments where emotional expression is discouraged or misunderstood. It becomes a hidden outlet for unprocessed feelings.

4. Modeling and Learned Behavior

Relational bullying is often a learned behavior. When children observe these dynamics at home—between caregivers or siblings—or witness them on TV, in movies, or through social media, they may internalize them as normal relational tools.

This modeling can be especially powerful when adults or influential peers seem to benefit from these behaviors. Without counterexamples of healthy conflict resolution and communication, children may lack the framework to form relationships built on trust, respect, and empathy.

The Role of Social Media in Amplifying Relational Aggression

In today’s digital age, social media is not just a backdrop to adolescent life—it’s a central stage where identity, belonging, and peer status play out in real time. While it can offer connection and creativity, social media also significantly amplifies covert aggression, turning once-private peer conflicts into public performances with far-reaching psychological impacts.

As clinicians, understanding how digital platforms fuel these behaviors is essential for effective intervention.

1. Cyberbullying: A New Frontier for Relational Aggression

Cyberbullying is one of the most visible forms of online indirect aggression. Unlike traditional bullying, digital aggression can happen 24/7 and is difficult to escape. It also often leaves a permanent footprint.

Common tactics include:

• Posting humiliating photos or videos

• Spreading rumors through group chats or stories

• “Canceling” or publicly shaming peers

• Creating fake accounts to harass or spy on others

Because cyberbullying is often anonymous or indirect, children may feel emboldened to engage in it without fully grasping the emotional harm it causes.

Clinician Tip: Include cyberbullying in your intake assessments and safety planning, especially when working with teens who are targets or aggressors in digital spaces.

2. Digital Exclusion and “Invisible” Aggression

One of the subtler but equally painful forms of relational bullying online is digital exclusion—leaving someone out of a group chat, unfollowing, or “subtweeting” (posting indirect messages intended to hurt or shame someone).

These actions may seem trivial to adults, but for young people, they can feel like powerful acts of rejection.

Red flags to explore in therapy:

• “They saw my message but didn’t reply.”

• “Everyone else got tagged except me.”

• “I was kicked out of the group chat.”

The emotional sting of being digitally excluded can lead to anxiety, hypervigilance, and feelings of worthlessness, especially in developmentally vulnerable youth.

3. Curated Reality and Social Comparison

Social media thrives on curation—highlight reels, filtered images, and the illusion of perfect lives. For children and teens prone to insecurity or jealousy, this constant exposure fuels toxic social comparison.

When a child sees peers at a party they weren’t invited to, or watches others gain likes and praise, it can trigger a deep sense of inadequacy. This can become a spark for covert aggression as they attempt to reclaim social power or status.

“She thinks she’s better than everyone else—I’ll make sure people know what she’s really like.”

In therapy, help children and teens distinguish between online personas and real life, and develop media literacy to reduce emotional reactivity.

4. The Pressure to Perform and Belong

Online platforms often reward provocative behavior with likes, shares, and attention. Unfortunately, relationally aggressive behavior, like dragging others in comments or exposing secrets, can go viral.

This creates a reinforcing loop, especially for socially insecure children who may use online cruelty as a way to gain peer approval or prevent themselves from becoming the next target.

Key clinical insights:

• Peer validation online can override empathy in the moment.

• Children may regret posts but feel unable to undo the social damage.

Work with clients on pause strategies, empathy building, and digital citizenship skills to interrupt this cycle.

5. Increased Screen Time = Decreased Self-Regulation

Excessive screen time—especially unstructured, unsupervised use—can impair a child’s ability to regulate emotions and sleep, both of which are directly linked to increased aggression.

Research shows:

• High screen time correlates with increased anxiety, irritability, and impulsivity.

• Nighttime use of phones is especially disruptive to emotional health and sleep quality.

As therapists, assess digital hygiene alongside emotional and behavioral concerns. Support families in setting tech boundaries that protect emotional well-being.

6. Empowering Clinicians, Kids, and Caregivers in the Digital Space

Therapists can play a powerful role in equipping children and families to navigate online spaces with greater awareness and boundaries.

Actionable strategies include:

• Teaching children how to identify and report online indirect aggression

• Guiding parents on monitoring without invading privacy

• Creating “digital detox” plans or tech-free rituals that promote real-life connection

• Practicing scripts in session for how to assertively address or disengage from online drama

Encourage reflection:

• “What do you notice about how you feel before and after using social media?”

• “What are some accounts that inspire you vs. drain you?”

• “What kind of online presence do you want to have?”

Factors to Consider in Addressing Underlying Emotional Needs in Children Engaging in Relational Aggression

Effectively addressing covert aggression goes far beyond managing surface-level behaviors. It requires a multi-dimensional understanding of the child's internal world, external environment, and developmental context. Here are the key factors mental health professionals should consider when designing therapeutic interventions:

1. Developmental Stage

The expression and impact of indirect aggression vary widely depending on a child’s age and cognitive maturity. A preschooler who excludes a peer from play may lack the same intent or insight as a preteen who spreads rumors online. Tailor interventions to be age-appropriate, developmentally sensitive, and in line with the child’s emotional regulation skills.

2. Attachment History

Children with insecure or disorganized attachment styles may use covert aggression as a way to maintain connection or exert control when they feel unsafe. Understanding a child's early relational experiences can shed light on their relational blueprints—how they view trust, closeness, and vulnerability.

3. Trauma Exposure

Past trauma—including neglect, emotional abuse, or witnessing relational dysfunction—can prime children to use relational bullying as a defense mechanism. These behaviors may emerge from a need to feel powerful, protect against further harm, or avoid rejection.

When trauma is present, trauma-informed care is essential. Approach the child with sensitivity, and prioritize safety, trust-building, and emotional regulation as foundational goals.

4. Family and Home Environment

Covert aggression is often shaped or reinforced by the child’s environment. Consider:

• Are aggressive communication patterns modeled at home?

• Is emotional expression encouraged or shut down?

• Are the child’s caregivers responsive, attuned, and emotionally available?

Engaging families through psychoeducation, parent coaching, or family therapy can support sustainable change.

5. Peer Group Dynamics

Relational aggression thrives in group settings where exclusion, competition, or hierarchy are prevalent. Children may use these behaviors to fit in, gain status, or avoid becoming targets themselves.

Clinicians should explore the child’s social network, group roles, and peer pressures. In school-based settings, this may involve collaboration with teachers or counselors to shift classroom culture.

6. Cultural and Sociocultural Norms

Behavior is always shaped by context. What may appear as indirect aggression in one cultural lens could be seen as loyalty, indirect communication, or boundary-setting in another.

Take the time to:

• Understand the family’s cultural values around relationships, conflict, and expression

• Avoid pathologizing behaviors without cultural context

• Partner with culturally competent consultants if needed

7. Cognitive and Emotional Skills

Children prone to covert aggression may struggle with:

• Emotional identification and labeling

• Perspective-taking and empathy

• Executive functioning (impulsivity, planning, flexibility)

Practical Tools and Clinical Strategies

As mental health professionals, we hold a unique responsibility—and opportunity—to shift the trajectory of children who engage in relational bullying. Through thoughtful, trauma-informed, and emotionally attuned interventions, we can help young clients build stronger relational skills and healthier self-concepts. 

Below are practical, research-informed strategies clinicians can use in therapeutic settings:

1. Empathic Validation

Before behavior change, there must be emotional safety. Start by meeting the child where they are, acknowledging their emotional experience without minimizing or correcting it.

"It sounds like you felt really left out when your friend didn’t include you. That must have really hurt."

When children feel seen and understood, they become more open to exploring alternative behaviors. Validation is not the same as condoning harmful actions—it’s the doorway to self-reflection and change.

2. Teach Emotional Literacy

Many children who engage in indirect aggression lack the language to articulate what they feel, leading them to act out instead. Help them name their emotional states and recognize the physical cues that accompany strong emotions.

Clinical tools to support emotional literacy include:

• Emotion charts or "feelings thermometers"

• Storytelling or bibliotherapy featuring relatable social challenges

• Role-playing to practice expressing emotions and empathy

These activities promote self-awareness and reduce emotional impulsivity.

3. Promote Problem-Solving and Perspective-Taking

Once children can identify what they’re feeling, help them learn what to do with those emotions. Structured problem-solving conversations not only build executive functioning but also reduce the likelihood of reactive, relationally aggressive responses.

Try walking the child through these questions:

• What happened?

• How did that make you feel?

• What did you want in that moment?

• What could you try next time?

• How do you think the other person felt?

Over time, this practice builds a bridge from emotional reaction to intentional action—a critical shift in reducing covert aggression.

4. Use Cognitive Behavioral Techniques

Relational aggression is often fueled by cognitive distortions—black-and-white thinking, personalization, or catastrophizing. Help children uncover and reframe these beliefs in therapy.

Examples of distortions to challenge:

• “If she didn’t invite me, she must hate me.”

• “If I don’t control the group, they’ll turn on me.”

Use CBT strategies like thought records, reframing, and behavioral experiments to replace rigid beliefs with more flexible, compassionate interpretations.

5. Reinforce Prosocial Behaviors

To reduce covert aggression, it's not enough to discourage negative behaviors—we must also teach and reinforce the positive ones. Catch children being kind, cooperative, and inclusive.

Examples of reinforcement strategies:

• Specific praise (“I noticed how you invited her to join your game—great leadership!”)

• Reward charts for acts of kindness or group cooperation

• Group activities that emphasize teamwork, empathy, and shared success

Children who feel connected and capable are less likely to seek control through exclusion or manipulation.

6. Engage Families as Partners

Family dynamics can either buffer against or reinforce relational bullying. Parents may unintentionally model covert aggression (e.g., gossiping, exclusion) or downplay its impact (“It’s just drama”).

Support parents by providing:

• Psychoeducation about the long-term effects of indirect aggression

• Coaching on modeling respectful conflict resolution

• Tools for validating emotions without rescuing or blaming

When caregivers are attuned, consistent, and emotionally present, children feel safer—and safer children don’t need to control others to feel secure.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

Even well-meaning clinicians, educators, and caregivers can misstep when addressing social bullying. Recognizing these common pitfalls can help you approach interventions with greater empathy, accuracy, and cultural awareness.

1. Minimizing the Behavior

Too often, covert aggression is brushed off as “just drama” or dismissed as typical childhood behavior. While peer conflict is normal, indirect aggression is intentional, targeted, and emotionally damaging. It can erode a child’s sense of safety, belonging, and self-worth, especially if left unaddressed.

Dismissing these behaviors sends the message that covert aggression is acceptable or unimportant.

2. Over-Pathologizing

While relational aggression is a red flag, it’s not always a sign of a diagnosable disorder. Be cautious about labeling children prematurely. Terms like "mean girl" or “bully” can stick and shape identity in harmful ways.

Instead, focus on the behaviors and underlying emotional needs, not the child’s character. A relationally aggressive child is often trying to meet valid needs through maladaptive means.

3. Neglecting the Aggressor’s Emotional Needs

It's natural to center our attention on the child who was targeted, but the child engaging in covert aggression also needs support. Without addressing their pain, fear, or learned behaviors, interventions often fall short.

The aggressor is often communicating through control what they cannot express in vulnerability.

Offer these children the same curiosity and compassion you extend to their peers. Behavior is a form of communication—listen to what it’s trying to say.

4. Ignoring Cultural and Contextual Factors

Social behaviors, including indirect aggression, do not exist in a vacuum. What is considered exclusionary or inappropriate in one culture may be seen as normative or protective in another. Be mindful not to interpret behaviors through a purely Western or individualistic lens.

Culturally responsive care includes:

• Exploring the family’s values around group loyalty, conflict, and expression

• Avoiding assumptions about intent based on your own social norms

• Engaging caregivers and community members in culturally sensitive conversations

Expert Insight

Dr. Laura Smith, a leading child psychologist, highlights a powerful shift in perspective:

“Relational aggression is rarely about malice. It’s about pain. When we treat it as a call for help, not just a behavior to correct, we see real change.”

Her insight invites clinicians to move beyond punitive approaches and instead cultivate emotional understanding and healing. The goal is not just to stop the behavior—it’s to heal what drives it.

Conclusion

Relational aggression is more than "mean girl" behavior—it’s a signal that something deeper is going on. By approaching these behaviors with empathy, insight, and the right tools, we can support children in building more authentic, respectful relationships.

Ready to expand your skills? Explore our courses at TherapyTrainings.com and bring transformative insights into your practice.

What strategies have you found most effective in addressing covert aggression? Share them with us!

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FAQs 

1. Is relational aggression the same as bullying? 

Yes, it can be a form of bullying. It’s more covert and targets social relationships instead of physical safety.

2. What age does covert aggression begin? 

It can start as early as preschool and intensify in adolescence.

3. Is indirect aggression more common in girls? 

Research suggests it's more prevalent among girls, but boys also engage in it, often in different ways.

4. How do I talk to parents about their child’s behavior? 

Use a collaborative, non-blaming approach. Focus on skill-building and emotional support.

5. Can covert aggression lead to long-term issues? 

Yes. If unaddressed, it can contribute to depression, anxiety, and relational dysfunction in adulthood.

6. How do I intervene in a group setting? 

Create group norms that promote inclusion and kindness. Use role-plays to practice empathy and perspective-taking.

7. What resources can I use?

• StopBullying.gov

• Child Mind Institute

• Courses on relational aggression at TherapyTrainings.com